Happy Birthday to Dr. Seuss!!! He brought up real-life issues in a way a child could understand and learn from.  Thank you, Dr. Seuss, you had a hand in raising me :)

Used vs. Loved

My Dad sent me this email awhile back....made me reflect...


Used vs. Loved

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a
stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took
the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was using a
wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he asked,
'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'

The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked
it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions.......sitting in front of
that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.

The next day that man committed suicide. . Anger and Love have no
limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life..... Things
are to be us ed and people are to be loved, But the problem in today's
world is that, People are used and things are loved...

During the day, be careful to keep this thought in mind: Things
are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be yourself....This is
the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day Watch your thoughts; they become
words. Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they become
character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Being sick has been quite annoying.  It seems every other week, I'm down with a fever and unable to do anything.  Yesterday, I was in bed all day with a fever that barely broke last night.  Today, I came back to work only to be sent home again.

With me, I've taken all kinds of paperwork with me.  Notes from our retreat, board meeting, lab orders, reimbursements...It's going to be a long Friday.


So now that I'm sick, I'm unable to do my blood tests and my 24-hour urine collection...again.  I want to be fit, and healthy so when the committee reviews the results, there will be no doubt that I am fit for donation.  Nothing hurts me more than putting our lives (mine and my aunt's) in other peoples' hands, and just.... waiting.  I appreciate that they are taking my well-being so seriously, but I feel that my aunt's health should have more priority at the moment.  She will eventually die if she doesn't get this kidney, and I will continue living with a "what-if" that will forever haunt me.

It wasn't until recent years that I've learned how much my family means to me.  Up until recently, there was nothing I would just give my life up for.  Now, I know, I'd suffer a thousand deaths before my family feels pain...well some family members (we can't like them all that much can we?)

If I could wish on a shooting star, find a 4-leaf clover, throw a coin into a wishing well...all I'd ask for on this Earth Day/Good Friday...is by the end of the summer, to be able to donate and save my aunt.

Now listening to: GLEE - Get it Right

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

My boy, Monty...always the light of my life.  He always did something that cracked me up.  Miss him so dearly.


Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

  My grandma.  This woman had an incredible life.  There were legends in our family of her exploits as an opium dealer for the Americans in Vietnam.  I also heard she killed someone, but we wont get into that.  She was our matriarch and quite eccentric.   If I could go back in time, I'd love to meet my grandma at 25 :)

Fighting Ignorance...and I'm no Hero

My transplant coordinator has gotten my chart back after all the work-ups, scans and tests.  Right now, we're waiting for someone to read my CTU scan-apparently there's only 2 doctors in the whole of UCLA that can read these scans for kidney donations.  This...may take a while.  But so far, everything looks good and I'm healthy.

So what's the problem?  I have some pretty toxic family members.  I'm not entirely sure why, they're telling my aunt that she's selfish and thoughtless.  There is nothing selfish about wanting to live.  She has never asked me to do this for her, I offered.  I want this more than anything.  No, I'm not trying to be a hero, but sometimes, life asks you to rise above and beyond yourself and do something for another.  Why don't they understand that she is dying, and this will save her life??

Here's my aunt's email to me today, after I told her what my transplant coordinator said:

"Oh wow...that was quick.  How do you feel?  Are you nervous or scared?  If you're still not sure then just take your time.  I don't want you to rush if you are not comfortable.  Thank you for your thoughtfulness, Audrey.  Your gesture is wonderful enough and makes me  wish I didn't have this problem so you don't have to sacrifice so much.  So give it some thought OK?  I don't want people to judge me if I receive the kidney from you.  Some have already said that I'm selfish and thoughtless but I just hope you're OK and happy to go through it. "

She does not deserve this.  How dare someone call her selfish?  This was my response to her, I had to do a lot of editing, my original letter had many more curses...

"How do I feel?  I feel great, a little fat, but great nonetheless.  I'm a little nervous, and a little scared...mostly I have nightmares about getting an ugly scar but I think that will pass.  I'm actually trying to rush...just a little bit, the sooner I get this done, the more healed I'll be for my birthday (that's my own selfish, thoughtlessness). 

All jokes aside-  To be absolutely honest, this is the easiest decision I've ever made, and I've never been so sure about anything.  I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm so fortunate to have a great support group of friends, family and co-workers.  What hurts me the most is that people that should be supporting us, are putting us down.   Please don't let them get to you.  Don't feel selfish, there's nothing selfish about wanting to be healthy.  You never asked me for anything, I offered.  It's my body, I'll do what I want with it...I wonder why anyone is surprised by this considering all the tattoos and nonsense I do to myself. 

This is the way I see it....this as an opportunity for a better life (for both of us), not a sacrifice.  People are going to judge you, always and forever...they'll judge you about the house you buy, the car you drive, the clothes you wear, how many kidneys you have, your haircut...NONE of it matters.   They judge others because their own lives are severely lacking in purpose and happiness.   People like that can't see past their own tragic existence, and I feel sorry for them...so sorry that they will never experience life the way you and I will- (be happy you don't live in their world.)  We'll both be judged by everyone, but you know in your heart of hearts that we're not doing anything wrong.   Remember what's important- we have some pretty amazing people in our lives that do support us and love us no matter what.  It's time for us to find out who really cares for us and who really cares about how we make them look.

I don't take this decision lightly, but it was an easy one to make.  I'm more than happy to go through hell and back a thousand times for anyone I care about.  I know I'm young, and I know not many young people get to give something away, and come out the other side with more appreciation for life and love.  Negativity is toxic, and we don't need it...especially now.  Just keep your thoughts light and happy.  I can't promise this will be over soon, or that life will get easier.  But life will be better!!  Love you so much!  Don't worry about me, judgMENTAL people don't bother me"

Daddy's Little Girl

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Dad in Thailand 1980

My Dad... Obviously I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.  But aside from his biological contribution to my existence, he has always been there for me.  It's easy to make a baby, it takes a very special person to be a good parent.  So amazing where your child is sure beyond a doubt that you love her.

My parents divorced when I was 11-ish.  Damn, was that an ugly mess.  When my dad started dating again, I was furious and threw a huge fit...my poor father, put aside his happiness for me.  Never again did I see him with another woman until I was mature enough.

When my mom would disappear for days, weekends at a time, I would cry myself to sleep...I'd wonder why she would leave my little sister and me to fend for ourselves.  Get ourselves ready for school, make our lunches, if we were out of money or food...well you're just shit out of luck aren't ya?  Even though Dad was 2 states and 1,200 miles away...a phone call would always make things alright.  He would fly us over just for the weekend.  He never missed a viola recital, swim competition, father-daughter sock-hop or choir concert...well if work permitted.

He gave me my love of cars, taking things apart and putting them back together.  "I can fix anything" was his motto.  That goes for broken toys, cars, and even...yes, broken hearts.

As I got older, he let me stay with him whenever I was going through a hard break-up or too drunk to drive home.  Though I wont divulge in details, he's gotten me out of some serious pickles..at the cost of hour-long lectures and scoldings.  Anytime I've ever been in real trouble, my dad has been there to save me.

Now, we have lunch at least once a week.  He doesn't always agree with what I do with my time or approve of who I do it with...but one thing I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt...he will always be in my corner.

This man has shaped me to who I am in every way possible.  If I ever found myself in some crazy parallel universe...I never want to meet myself as the girl without her father.  He's taught me everything.  He is my everything.  The next man that comes into my life has some serious bars to live up to.

It's only a crime if you get caught

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with

 You know what they say "a friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be sitting next to you sayin 'we f*cked up, but that was awesome'"  Yea...this guy, my cousin, Hai.  We've gone through the ringer together... When we were young and adventurous, it was drunken nights, waking up with cuts and bruises..."what the hell happened last night"  and then there's the all too dangerous, wandering around different countries, hoping we find our hotel.  Now, we're older, we don't get in that much trouble...probably because we don't get caught anymore :)

Aman-drey

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

 Amanda is my cousin, and my best friend.  We've known each other all of our lives, and we've been through it all.  There were periods of time when we didn't speak for months, but when the phone rang, we would pick up exactly where we left off.  Even though we don't always agree, she always listened to me, and supported me in every way.  Her mother is sick, and now it's my turn to help her and our family.

How old are you?

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

 This photo of my grandmother is one of the most treasured things I own.  She was the matriarch of our family, and my world was never so rocked as when we lost her.  Grandma was always a fighter, and quite the story teller.  To be honest, no one knows how old she really was... (she had 3 96th birthdays, 2 years apart)  each year was either her 96th or her 100th birthday celebration :)  She was the fiercest woman I've ever had the privilege to know.

Some things are just meant to be...

Short back-story:
My favorite aunt, has kidney failure and has been on dialysis for about 3 years now.  Her sisters have tested to donate her a kidney, but 2/3 were not a good match, and the 3rd one backed out 2 months before scheduled surgery.    Since she was diagnosed, I've harbored thoughts of donating, but she kept having donors so I didn't think she needed me.  Finally, after this last upset...my aunt was completely devastated.  My family on my dad's side are devout Catholics...and when I heard she was losing her faith in God, I was stunned, and I knew I had to do something. 

I went in for the blood test 2 weeks ago and just got the results yesterday!!!  I'm a 5 out of 6 antigen match...which was better than all her sisters and her daughter!  We have the same blood type, and the cross-match showed that her blood did not reject my own.  The transplant coordinator actually said "wow" 

I am so elated...beyond words.  My aunt is one of the most beautiful, strong and supportive women I've ever known.  Her daughter and I are 9 months apart, we're like sisters...my cousin is my best friend.  I have never felt so right about anything in my life.  When I heard how hurt, and down she was I knew exactly what needed to be done.   Deep down, I knew I was going to be a near perfect match, and I knew it was going to be me.  Not only is this the right thing, this is the good thing to do.  My aunt and my cousin are deeper than family to me.

So...next steps...I have to go through another 3 days of testing. 
Day 1: 24 hour home urine collection  ewww... and if I don't do exactly 24 hours, they'll KNOW, and I'll have to do it all over again 
Day 2: More blood tests, EKG, cat-scan and chest x-ray
Day 3: Consultation w/the nephrologist (kidney doctor/surgeon), a psycho-social evaluation and support structure evaluation.

After all these tests, hopefully without repeats, I meet with the surgeon and we pick which kidney and set a date.  This whole process can take up to 6 months, I'm hoping I do everything right the first time and I won't have to do anything twice (esp the urine collection).

I've spoken with my parents, sisters, cousins, friends and co-workers...everyone is so supportive.  The more I talk about it, the more I feel comfortable with my decision and I know I'm doing the good thing.